New Rules for Driving

Happy Leap Day!

I'm sure you've all heard of 'new math'. I would like to share with you 'new driving'. This is the new rules for the average American driver. Please be sure to follow them to the letter.

1) Always add approximately 20% speed to any posted speed limit. If the sign reads 65, go 80.
2) Not using turn signals: It's not just for old people anymore! Turn signals are neither encouraged, nor required.
3) When a traffic light turns red, you still have about 5-10 seconds to get through the intersection. Everyone knows and expects this.
4) You always have the right of way. It's yours.
5) In cases of inclement weather, always increase speed accordingly. You don't want to be out in that nasty stuff any longer than you have to! Also, be sure to decrease awareness and alertness so the cold doesn't get you.
6) Remember, the roadway is yours. It was built just for you!
7) If you can't be distracted by talking on your cell phone while driving, please seek out another distraction immediately. Try eating or reading.
8) Bob n' Weave: The best way of getting through congested traffic is to bob and weave uncontrollably between every and any open spot between cars, even if your car doesn't fit. Remember: The road is yours, they'll make room, and rule number 2 is also very important here.

If you follow these simples rules, you too can be an average American driver!


Lastly, enjoy this onion.com video which covers some exciting new developments in driving.


Tired Of Traffic? A New DOT Report Urges Drivers: 'Honk'

Old Commercials

Yesterday evening, I was compelled to look up old commercials on youtube. Here are some of my favorites.




I was quite impressed with this one, considering it was made in 1982 and was made without any fancy computer effects.


Poor Sony. At least they got theirs this time.


Huh. This one isn't really that old (2006), but one of the most inappropriate toy guns ever.


The inevitable spoof.

A follow up to my post below.

Paramount silently issued a statement around 1:00am this morning stating their intentions to return to Blu-ray, with their tail tucked between their legs.
I now officially upgrade their status from "filthy sweaty taints" to simply "taints".

Even better than their status upgrade, this means that all 6 major studio's are now with Blu-ray. Let the fun begin.

Paramount = Taints?

Ok, let me start off by saying the information I'm basing this rant off of is totally unproven, and could either be true, or false, but I feel like bitching about it anyway.

For the past 15 months, I've had an addiction. An addiction to the high def format war. Day after day scouring the interwebs, looking for any information about who did what.
Long story short, it ended on Monday.
Toshiba, the daddy of HD DVD called it quits. Universal Pictures, the staunchest supporting studio of HD DVD announced the same day they were going Blu-ray. Most retail stores began clearing out HD DVD products. Hooray! I can stop obsessing and simply start enjoying movies from all the studios in high def!
High 5 Warner Bros.! High 5 Disney, Fox, Sony, Lionsgate, MGM, and Universal! High 5 Para... hey wait. Paramount, where are you? Hey guys? Hello?

A quasi-insider has stated that Paramount, the same studio who mercilessly stabbed Blu-ray in the back last summer and ditched them for HD DVD, the now deceased format, is going to stick with said deceased format for now.
It was long rumored that Toshiba paid Paramount financial incentives to release exclusively on HD DVD for a period of 18 months, and the latest rumor is that Paramount is in no rush to join everyone else on Blu, because so long as they remain HD DVDeceased exclusive, Toshiba still has to pay them monthly installments per their initial contract.
Thats right, they're more concerned with sucking funds from Toshiba for the time being than joining the rest of the ENTIRE fucking industry and moving forward as one cohesive group to insure the proliferation of Blu-ray into the main-stream.
Keep in mind, as I said earlier, this may be entirely false, but it's the latest buzz. For all I know, they could come out tomorrow and say they'll support Blu-ray, but this whole rant is just in response to the current rumors.

So, for the time being, I declare Paramount Pictures filthy, sweaty taints. Paramount, you are indeed the perineum of Hollywood.

When I wake up in the morning...

First of all,
Mike and Mary, I'm sorry to hear about Brandy. She was one of my most favorite dogs ever. My thoughts are with you.

Secondly:

It's 1:12 AM central time, and I'm going to bed. Toshiba is expected to announce at 5PM Japan time (2:00AM) that they are killing off HD DVD for good, recalling all HD DVD hardware for sale, pulling in all movies, letting Paramount and Universal out of their contracts, and sticking a fork in it.

Now, this better be how things played out when I wake up or I'm going to be pissed.
I better not wake up in the morning and they've tried to pull some heroic bullshit.
We shall see.

Update:
Yay! Bye HD DVD. See ya in hell.
Aww crap. No more format war. Now what am I gonna obsess over?